It’s that time of year when making resolutions is the generally accepted thing to do and talk about to strangers in the street. I made a big deal at the start of last year of publicly announcing my resolutions with great expectation, resolve and determination. I failed on every single one of them which has dented my spirits and left me in a deep funk in this traditional time of hope and expectation. Therefore I am going to significantly scale down my originally lofty 2009 resolutions:
Become a trusted advisor to Barack Obama - Fail
What more can I do? I sent my ideas and he has never even written back to engage me in political discussion or strategic implementation of my initiatives. In February of this year I sent Rahm Emmanuel a fax with a plan to send Mr Obama’s approval rating through the roof throughout America and establishing him as a unifying force. My, ‘Get Him To Wear Oldstyle Hats More’ plan fell upon deaf ears no matter how many times I faxed random numbers in America. (Seventeen times).
Find Bigfoot - Fail
Only partial fail here really as I had a really good look around Brentford and Chiswick and didn’t catch him (or her) anywhere. Although I did see a very large rat, a bigger than average pigeon and a dead fox. Also, a friend of mine has big feet.
Control the Weather with my Mind - Fail
I seem to be able to recognise weather relatively easy so I thought that preemptively establishing the conditions for a particular weather via the medium of dressing up may work, even in the opposite sense. However, I made the vital scientific connection, based on less than rigorous testing, that individual clothing choice has no bearing on the weather. Although I have not tested this outside of Middlesex.
Assert my claim and demand the throne of the United Kingdom and re-establish the Empire - Fail
I just thought the ‘House of James’ sounded good and shouted it at the Queen as she went past on The Mall. I think she heard but I’m not 100% it was the Queen. It could have been a black cab with an advert for Hairspray on it.
Invent a new new colour - PASS
Booniche. It’s the new shade that everyone’s talking about and about to take the fashion roughly by the arm and march it out of the store. It’s the colour the end of your finger goes when it’s really cold and you can’t feel it anymore. I have registered this with The Colour People at Dulux and they assure me that I am not welcome in their office anymore.
This year I have committed to breathing everyday, walking to places sometimes, watching football and very occasionally drinking too much. Only Failing on one of them so far.
